On Vacation With the Elrics
by Phoenix of the Sea
Summary: On Vacation with The Elrics, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Maes Hughes, Envy, Scar, Winry and Alex Louis Armstrong can be fun, especially when chaos ensues! Beware the DOUBLE HUMOR SIGN! The ending is here!
1. What Could Possibly Happen?

**On Vacation with the Elrics**

Chapter 1-What's the Worse That Could Happen?

Edward and Alphonse Elric sat in Roy's office (Well, Alphonse had to kneel) waiting for Roy to appear. In the room with them were Riza Hawkeye and Alex Louis Armstrong.

"I wonder what the colonel wants now," Alphonse said.

"Probably for us to inspect some other crime," Ed said, leaning back in his chair, looking at the ceiling. "Honestly, I say to do his dirty work for him."

"Hmph," Hawkeye growled.

"FullMetal!" Roy Mustang yelled from the doorway.

Ed fell backwards, only to meet Roy's feet. Roy walked to his desk while Ed fixed his chair. Roy held a letter in his hand.

"I meant to say: to do his work for him because he's so busy with important work!" Ed said, trying to cover up for his insult.

"Anyways," Roy growled, "I got this letter in the mail by an unexpected person."

"Who?" Alphonse asked.

"Lust and Gluttony," Roy replied. "It said that they were on vacation on a whole different continent, so our 'unnecessary' search would have to be postponed until next year."

"I find it odd," Ed said. "What kind of baddy would tell us that they're on vacation? How stupid…"

With Lust

"Do you think it was odd that I left a letter for the colonel?" Lust asked.

"I thought it was stupid that you left a letter period was stupid." Gluttony said.

Back with the Elrics

"Oh," Roy said, "she also said to tell the 'shorty'."

Three thousand veins popped out of Ed's forehead. "WHO IS SHE CALLING SO SHORT THAT AN ANT CAN CRUSH ME?"

No one dared laughed.

"So what does that mean for us colonel?" Al asked.

"A bigger search for her." Roy said.

"Wait a second!" Ed said. "With Lust and Gluttony gone, this could only mean one thing!"

"Is it Ed?" Al asked.

"A chance to make the agency bigger?" Roy guessed.

"A chance to go around everywhere and show off more of my beautiful muscles?" Armstrong asked.

"A chance to make a new beauty salon for hippies?" Hawkeye asked, only to receive stares.

"Um, no…It means a vacation for ourselves!" Ed said.

"But what about…" Roy began but was interrupted.

"You guys worry too much!" Ed admitted. "You guys need a social life! When was the last time you guys slept without thinking about the bad guy that almost killed you? When was the last time you guys rollerbladed?"

"It sounds great!" Hawkeye said, actually agreeing with Edward.

"A beach could also give me a chance!" Armstrong said.

"Fine!" Roy growled. "We'll go on vacation. I'll leave Ross in charge."

The four got on a plane to Florida as the organization was being attacked by a mob of villains and they didn't know.

"Finally," said Ed. "A vacation where nothing can go wrong!"

A food cart bumped into Ed's automail arm.

"Sorry little guy," A caterer said.

"LITTLE?" Ed growled.

A minute later

"Have anyone seen Mr. Quinn?" Another caterer asked.

"Nope," Ed said, though he threw the guy into a rudder.

543

Phoenix-Will chaos ensue on the vacation? REVIEW TO FIND OUT!


	2. Don't Forget About Us

Chapter 2-Don't Forget About Us!

On the plane, Alphonse had to remove the separator between two seats so he'd fit. When it came to snack time, Riza was getting ready to eat until they gave her a pack of peanuts.

"What the heck is this?" She asked.

"It's your afternoon snack," The lady said.

"I'm a human being," Riza said, "not a friggin' elephant!"

"But…"

BANG!

The lady ran as Riza chased her down the plane with her favorite gun.

"I wonder how the organization is doing without me," Roy said.

"Relax colonel," Ed said. "I'm sure they're fighting off thieves all by themselves."

At the HQ

Ross and Bloch were being hung from around the waist as the thieves took every single file about themselves to burn.

"That's government property!" Maria Ross yelled. "Put it back!"

"Shaddup!" Someone yelled.

Back with the alchemists

"D-did you just say th-thieves?" Roy asked stuttering.

"Re-lax!" Edward demanded. "You're so attached to your work like magnets to Al."

Ed shouldn't have said that. Knowing Ed and Al's luck, a bunch of ladies were selling free magnets and they all attacked Ed's automail leg and arm and Al's entire body.

"You're right," Roy sneered. "I'm just like the magnets."

"Talk to the magnet," Ed said.

Roy read the magnet Ed held up that said: Shove it!

Riza was still chasing the lady until she fell to the ground with cramps. "It's that time of the month!"

"Quick, get a tampon!" Someone yelled.

Three familiar people came from behind the curtain to see what was going on.

"Who needs one?" Winry asked. "I'm a mechanic and a healer and I got one!"

"It looks like her," Envy said, pointing at Riza.

"No," Roy said. "Not HIM! Anyone but HIM!"

Maes Hughes took a look at Roy and shouted, "Hello Roy, oh buddy, oh pal!"

"Greetings Maes, you pain in the ass you," Roy greeted.

"Envy," Ed growled, "why are you here?"

"I made a peace treaty with the HQ," Envy said, "and I heard you guys were on vacation…Where's Armstrong?"

In the back

Armstrong was flexing his muscles and the kids began to cry.

"Oh my God, make him stop mommy, make him stop!"

"THE TORTURE!"

"Flex them sexy muscles baby," A lady yelled.

987

Phoenix-I hoped you enjoyed!

Thanks to:

**Armandsgirl**-I was about to just put down the salon, but I just HAD to spice it up!

**ooOAnimeChildOoo**-I'll comment as soon as I can get the review you sent. I can't read it because it didn't come through my email and I can't read it from my profile.


	3. What Does This DoHicky Do?

Chapter 3-What Does This Do-Hickey Do

Ed and Roy faced the torture of listening to Hughes's boring rants about his daughter while Riza faced the torture of cramps.In the back, the children faced the torture of seeing Armstrong's steroid overdosed body.

"Take it off baby!" The same lady from before screamed. "Take it all off!"

Al sat in his chair in boredom. He thought he could go talk with the pilots.

"Hello sir," one of the pilots greeted.

"Hi," Al greeted.

"Are you having fun?" The other one asked.

"I sure am," Al lied. He looked past the pilots and saw _them_. The one thing that Al would obsess about if he ever saw them. BUTTONS!

"Oooooh," Al said with his red beady eyes growing large. "What does this button do?"

"Don't press that!" The first pilot screamed, but it was too late!

In the back

A man walked up to the bathroom and opened the door. One problem: No bathroom; just the sky, which sucked him off the plane and closed the door behind him.

Back with Al

He saw _it_. The big, red, glowing button.

"What does this do-hickey do?" He asked.

The pilots tried to stop him but Al was too strong. He pressed it!

With Ed, Roy, Riza, Envy, Winry, and Hughes

Oxygen masks drop before the passengers. Ed stood up and screamed: "OMG! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

Out of nowhere, Scar bursts through the room and asked, "WHO CURSED GOD'S NAME IN VAIN!"

Everyone stared at him.

Back with Al

"Aaww," Al sighed. "This crap is boring. Well, I'm going back."

Al walked away in silence…

…

Al ran back to push all of the buttons like a child…though he was.

"**THE PLANE WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 10 SECONDS. KISS YOUR BUTTS GOODBYE AND HAVE A NICE DAY!" **A robotic voice said.

In the back, the six stole parachutes and jumped off. Before Armstrong jumped off, the lady asked, "When will I ever see you again?"

"Never!" Armstrong said, jumping off the plane.

Al just simply jumped off as the plane exploded, crashing into a milk corporation.

"Hey!" Ed screamed. "THAT PLANE TOOK MY JOB! I WANTED TO DESTROY IT! DAMN YOU!"

On the way down, Al knocked off some skydiver and landed on a beach safely.

"Heads up," Someone yelled.

A beach ball hit Al in the head and popped because of his horn.

432

Phoenix-Short, yes. Thanks to:

**Mog Knight**-After being away from the computer for about 2 or 3 months, the ideas kept flowing. NON-STOP!

**LP Alchemist**-Thanks for calling me good!

**bareborugasukedes**-n.n Thank you!

**The Incredible Emo Kid**-I hope you're happy now! n.n

**Sangi**-OoC can't be THAT harmful::**Watches Ed drink milk**: Never mind. I'm glad you've enjoyed it!

**ooOAnimeChildOoo**-That'll be ten dollars! Lol, just kidding!

Be prepared for the next chapter.


	4. Our Own Shack

Chapter 4-Our Little Shack

The Elrics and company plus Scar landed safely…well, not THAT safely. Most of their parachutes gave up on them ¾ of the way. With their collision with the sand, they were stuck in the sand with only their heads sticking out.

"I hate the damn author," Edward screamed. "What the hell kind of predicament is this?"

"SHADDUP!" The author screamed, kicking sand in Ed's eyes and running.

"Hey daddy, look at the palm tree!" A girl screamed, referring the Envy 's hair.

"I'M NOT A PALM TREE!" He screamed.

"Hey Al," Edward screamed to his brother, seeing how Alphonse wasn't stuck. "HELP US!"

"Shut up," Al said. "I'm waiting for…here they come!"

Cue the Baywatch theme as Al was looking at three women running towards his friends. When they got near, Al was pretending to act as if he couldn't help his friends and watched the girls in action. Horny mother…

The group was saved and Alphonse was being asked out until there was something wrong with these women…

"Is that an ADAM'S APPLE?" Alphonse screamed

"Yeah," the…he-she said. "What about it, big boy?"

The group ran away as fast as possible. Alphonse was the fastest.

As soon as they left the beach, Roy stopped them all.

"Wait! I've just remembered! Ever since that plane wreck, we don't have any money!" He screamed.

"So where are we gonna stay?" Riza asked.

"We can always stay with those women," Envy said.

"That's easy for you to say you cross-dressing bisexual!" Edward screamed.

"Shut it shrimp!" Envy yelled back.

…

"DON'T CALL ME A SHRIMP YOU FAGGOT!" Edward screamed, trying to escape Alphonse's grip.

"With your attitude and size," Envy began, "you have to be 9 years old!"

"LEMME GO!" Ed screamed.

"Now, now children," Armstrong said, "let's be nice!"

"Yeah," Maes said, "who cares if Ed's 4'9 or Envy's a bisexual, cross-dressing, palm tree?"

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!" Envy screamed, trying to escape Armstrong's grip.

And little do they know, Envy WOULD get back at him for it in a future episode.

"Hey," Riza said, "look at that shack!"

The guys (Except Scar. We're trying to aim for non-OOCness for him) turned there heads to look at some woman.

"She said shack," Winry screamed, hitting them with her wrench "not rack!"

All of the men, who had bumps on their heads, looked at the shack on the beach. They went inside and it was like a lodge. Living room, cable, internet, kitchen, and only 4 bedrooms.

"Get out of my house," a bum in the corner yelled.

The gang just threw him out and conquered the shack.

"Hey look," Envy said. "Frozen milk."

"BURN IT TO HELL!" Ed screamed, setting the carton on fire. "I HATE MILK!"

"You hate milk, eh?" Envy repeated.

Envy's skin started to disappear and he turned into a cow. Ed glared.

"Take this!" Envy screamed, shooting milk in Ed's face.

"THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GROUND BEEF!" Ed screamed, taking out a cleaver.

Envy tackled Ed like Alexander (Shou Tucker's dog) and stole the cleaver. Then he began to break dance.

"You've never seen anything like dancing milk have you?" Envy asked.

"Damn you Envy!" Edward screamed.

When night came, the gang had to divide themselves.

"Winry and I will sleep in one room," Riza began, "Roy and Maes will sleep in another room, then Al and Armstorng, and then Ed and Envy will be in a room. Scar here will sleep on the couch."

"SAY WHAT?" Ed screamed. "I'd rather sleep with Scar and snuggle with him then sleep in a room with Jealous here and get raped!"

"IT'S ENVY!" Envy screamed.

"Shut it," Roy growled. "You two need to settle your differences."

"You're right," Envy said. "If I'm lucky, Edward might get lost in the blanket!"

"You're right," Ed said. "Maybe Envy will give me a lap dance, just like his alter ego, Mr. Sexy, the porn star."

O.O!

"Oh my God," Alphonse gasped, snatching Envy's scruffy. "It's him! He's the porn star!"

"Stop saying God's name in vain!" Scar growled.

"Fine," Envy cried. "I am Mr. Sexy, but that's long passed! I HATE YOU GUYS!"

Envy ran into Ed's and his room, crying.

"That's the bathroom," Maes said.

Envy ran out of the bathroom and went into Ed's and his room.

"Wait a second," Winry said. "Was that…"

Everything turned dark.

"ANGST?"

"Ed," Riza screamed. "You got into the room and you apologize! You know how badly the author sucks at making angst!"

"Yes ma'am," Ed said.

He walked into the room and shut the door. He looked at Envy crying on the BIGGER bed. Envy turned around and leaped at Ed.

"ACK!" Ed gagged.

"Hey beautiful," Envy said, circling his finger on Ed's chest.

"Please don't tell me you're changing personalities and categories too!" Ed said.

"Nope," Envy said. "Just a case of PMS. Emotions are a bitch, aren't they? Well, now we're in a room together, all alone, and no one can hear your screams."

"And why not?"

Armstrong was practicing his speeches in front of a mirror, Al was polishing his head, Riza was target practicing, Winry was creating a new arm, Maes was bragging about his family, Roy had to listen, and Scar was watching evangelists.

"That's why," Envy said, pointing to the paragraph above.

"Ain't that a…" Ed muttered, looking up at the paragraph.

"But let's just get back to the subject," Envy said, nearing in on Ed.

432

Phoenix-Will Ed get raped? Will ANYONE hear his cries? Review to find out!


	5. Oh Alchemists, WHERE THE HECK ART THOU?

Chapter 5-Oh Alchemists, WHERE THE HECK ARE THOU?

(Ed's POV)

NO! I was too young for this crap! Some cross-dressing guy is taking advantage of me and I DON'T LIKE IT! THAT'S A NOTE TO ALL YOU YAOI WRITERS!

He threw me onto the bed and held me down. I couldn't get him off! Man he's strong!

Wait, what did they say on Animal Planet about animals in trouble? Coyotes…They eat there own legs off to escape!

…

Got ketchup?

"So," he began, climbing around my automail leg, "is the _rest _of you automail?"

O.O;;

Hope is futile! But wait…_he _came; my sweet ole brother Alphonse. When he entered the room, we all stared at each other in a brief moment of awkward silence. Save me already!

"Yeah," Alphonse said. "I'm just gonna give you two an hour."

"WAIT," I screamed, flailing my arms, "SAVE ME YOU IDIOT!"

Al glared at me. "Envy, do it raw."

O.O!

"YOU TRAITOR! HOW INHUMANE! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! I'LL BREAK YOUR SEAL AS SOON AS I REMEMBER WHERE IT IS! YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK ALPHONSE EDWARD ELRIC!"

Al just left me…

Yeah, Al's full name is Alphonse Edward Elric and my full name is Edward Alphonse Elric. Weird, huh?

BUT THAT WASN'T THE POINT! I was being attacked by a palm tree! There was only one way out of this and that was…

"Oh no," I whined out loud. "I'm weak and fragile! Someone could even use me as a human sacrifice!"

Wrath appeared smiling until he saw Envy on top of me. He blinked a couple of times until Envy lied, "I got him Wrath! I'll bring him back to headquarters immediately (if we have one)."

"You better!" Wrath said, disappearing.

DARN YOU WRATH! Who else could I call? I know!

"Oh no," I whined out loud again, "my arm is rusty, I need a new one!"

…

…

"I SAID I NEED A NEW ONE! WINRY!" I screamed.

"No one (but Wrath) can hear your screams," Envy reminded me, "savvy?"

Envy went for my zipper until…

"Are you working it out?" Hawkeye asked as she stepped in. She took a look at us and left. "This is worse than that Stacy's Mom video…"

Envy rolled his eyes and went even further. Now I felt a draft! He was in for a surprise…

"Hey," he said. "The _left one's _metallic."

Aw crap! There was only one option left; suffocating him with a pillow! I grabbed the biggest one and wrapped it around his face. He got off me and began to struggle. When he got off, I made a break for it until felt him tackle my automail leg, screaming "You're not going anywhere!"

Time to dislodge! I ripped off my automail leg and began to hop away on one leg. With my nub, I felt like a friggin' pirate!

Now time for revenge!

"ALPHONSE!" I screamed hopping after him.

(Normal POV)

Envy knocked on Winry's door and she answered.

"Can I help you?" She asked.

"Yeah," Envy said. "I was wondering if you would like to look around town with me."

"Like a date?" Winry asked blushing.

"Yeah," Envy said.

'_I'm gonna make Edward jealous!_' Envy thought, grabbing Winry's hand.

With Lust and Gluttony

Lust and Gluttony sat around a casino. Lust sat at the slots, messing up every game. On her last game, it ended up on, 7, 7, and a cherry.

"SON OF A…" She screamed.

She clapped her hands together and performed alchemy on the slot machine, making the results end up with 7, 7, and 7.

Gluttony saw a cup on top of a slot machine and screamed, "FREE DRINKS!"

He drank it but some guy screamed, "Hey! Those were my quarters!"

"Uh-oh," Gluttony sighed. "This is worse than when I ate Father Cornello. He was overdue…"

432

Phoenix-I hope you've enjoyed this!


	6. Could This Be Yaoi or Hentai?

Chapter 6-Could This Be Yaoi or Hentai?

With Lust and Gluttony

"Hey," Gluttony called Lust. "How did you do alchemy?"

"Gluttony," Lust sighed. "I am not a Homunculus. This tattoo is just a cheap imitation."

"Then what about your nails?" Gluttony asked.

"They're automail," Lust said.

"I'm telling Wrath and Envy!" Gluttony complained.

"Do that," Lust threatened, "and I'll sink you at the bottom of the sea!"

GULP!

With the gang

After the hopping, removing screws, and attaching Al's leg to himself, Ed sat on the side further away from Scar on the couch, taking a rest. Al's head sat in the corner, glaring at Ed.

"I think this is child abuse," Al growled. "You can't even walk in that leg! It's bigger than your real leg!"

"Are you calling me short?" Ed growled back.

"No," Al sighed, but then grinned, "just vertically challenged!"

"SAY WHAT?" Ed yelled. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT IF THEY STEPPED ON A GAMEBOY THEY'LL FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS?"

"What's a Gameboy?" Everyone asked as they listened to Ed's yell.

"Beats me," Ed said. "It just popped in."

"Hey," Al called out. "Has anyone seen Winry?"

"Yeah," Roy said. "She went out with Envy on a date."

"SHE DID WHAT?" Ed yelled, trying to get up but failed due to the uneven heights of 'his' legs. "I GOTTA GO RESCUE HER!"

"How?" Riza asked.

"I'll find a way somehow," Ed growled.

"Would you guys please shut up," Scar growled. "A new show is coming on Cartoon Network!"

The gang (Except Al) looked at the TV and saw…themselves?

"What the BLEEP?" Ed asked, figuring out that the f-word is being bleeped out.

"We have our own show!" Hughes pointed out. "It's called," he read the screen as it went to a commercial, "FullMetal Alchemist."

"A show about me?" Ed asked. "HOW SWEET!"

The show came back on and showed Winry an Envy around the town.

O.O

"Quick!" Ed snapped at Roy. "Bring me Al's parts!"

Roy obediently brought out Al's disassembled body parts and Ed alchemized them back to normal, including the leg. Ed opened Al's chest piece and got inside, and then he popped his head through the head hole, making it look like Ed was the owner of Al's body. Al tried to throw Ed out but failed.

"Stop messing around Al!" Ed yelled. "Winry's virginity is on the line!"

"Fine," Al said. "But to carry you, I need you to carry my head so I can see where I'm going."

"Right," Ed agreed, letting Al's body pick up the head. "Now onwards!"

Al's body ran out of the shack and into the city. Ed began to scream out the two's names, seeing if he could get a response until…

"Al," Ed smiled evilly at his little brother's head, "could you go get those wheels and that broken engine out of the garbage there."

Al obeyed and Ed laughed sinisterly.

"Why are you laughing like that?" Al asked, worrying.

Ed clapped his hands together and pressed them onto Al's inside, turning into…

"You turned me into a motorcycle?" Al screamed, wanting to cry. "This is evil! CHILD ABUSE! SOMEONE HELP! HE ABUSING ME!"

People looked at Al until Ed kicked him.

"Shaddup!" Ed whispered. "We need to find Winry and this could make the search easier…unless…."

"Unless what?" Al asked. "I WANT ANSWERS!"

10 MINUTES LATER

"So you turn me into a helicopter?" Al screamed through the radio.

"Calm down," Ed laughed.

"After we find Winry," Al said, "I'm crashing myself into the shack!"

"No you won't," Ed growled, "or I'll turn you into a garbage can!"

"Hey!" Al yelled. "I see Winry and Envy! They're sitting on that bench with that old lady!"

"Flash them!" Ed commanded.

"Say what?"

"Flash them!" Ed repeated.

"Me and what body?"

"NOT THAT FLASH!" Ed screamed. "With the spotlight!"

"Oh," Al said, turning on the light, making them look at him.

"Step away from the surgeon slash weaponsmith specialist in prostheses slash automail expert immediately," Ed said into a megaphone from a random place.

Al landed and Winry began to yell, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ED?"

"We're saving your virginity!" Ed yelled through the megaphone, though he was 4 feet from her…4 feet from her height! BAHAHA!

("WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT THEY CAN DROWN IN A CUP OF WATER?")

"Why do you care about who I sleep with?" She asked.

"Are you sure you saving her," Envy asked, "or are you dragging away from me so we can be alone?"

"I'M NOT GAY!" Ed screamed.

"True," Envy said. "But that's not what I read from your diary!"

"SAY WHAT?" Ed freaked out. "HOW DID YOU GET INTO MY DIARY?"

Envy ignored Ed and recited, "_Dear Diary, Today, Envy was so close to making the fic Phoenix of the Sea was typing into a romance chapter. He nearly stripped me and to admit it, I kind of liked it, but I wasn't ready for his love…_"

O.O Oh BLEEP!

At the shack, everyone dropped their food and their jaws. Roy was the only one laughing. Scar growled, "He dare stray from the path of God with another sin!"

Back with the four, Ed was starting to sweat and he tried to back up his entry with, "What? You mixed the words around! Plus, I love Winry!"

"Which one is it Ed?" Winry asked. "Envy or me?"

"Can't I say both?" Ed asked.

"NO!" Winry and Envy yelled simultaneously.

"Fine," Ed growled. "I choose…"

432

Phoenix-VOTE! Should Ed love Winry or Envy?


	7. Results

Phoenix-The results are in and the new chapter is up!

Fans-'BOUT TIME YOU BUM!

Phoenix-Ouch…

Chapter 7-Results

Last time on Vacation with the Elric Brothers, Ed…

WHAM!

"Shut up!" Ed yelled, transmuting his bother into a metal mallet and hitting the mysterious narrator with it…him…it…him…WHATEVER!

Envy and Winry stood there, looking at Ed, waiting for the midget to make a decision between the sexualities. Yaoi or hentai?

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME A MIDGET?" Ed screamed.

He looked across the street to see me sitting at a computer desk on the corner.

"O.O! EEP!"

As the author, I run away, taking my computer desk with me. Unfortunately, Ed transmuted Al into a shotgun, firing it at me.

"OW!" I scream, hitting the ground. "HE HIT ME WITH A SCREW!"

I came back with a sword, getting ready to fight Ed.

**(We now go to a commercial)**

Are you sick of waiting for the resulting answer to come to you in a fic? Well, that won't be a problem once you use the loyal scroll! You see, click on it, and drag it up and down….

This is fun…

DRAG DRAG DRAG! CAN'T GET ENOUGH! SO MUCH FUN!

This is what happens when you're sugar-high and you discover the scroll…

**(End of commercial break)**

Now Ed stands there with a knot on the corner of his forehead and the same bloody face as always, where a thick line of blood runs down his face near his eye.

Now panting, he prepares to make his decision.

"I, Eduardo…"

"Edward," Al corrected, knowing that the author had beat him silly.

"Edward Alfred…"

"Edward Elric…"

"I, Edward Elric, choose Any the homunculi."

"Envy the homunculi…"

"YAY!" Envy cheered like a little girl.

"What the hell, Ed?" Winry exclaimed.

Envy ran toward Ed for a hug, but Ed used his _left _knee to knee Envy in between the legs.

Envy's face automatically turned red as he coughed up spit, lying on the ground now. Winry ran to Ed for a hug and this time, Ed accepted it.

"You do love me!" Winry screamed as Ed walked her back to the shack.

"I could how not love you, Henry?" Ed asked.

"What?"

"He said," Al interrupted, "How could I not love you, Winry?"

"AL!" Winry screamed, jumping for shock. "You're a shotgun!"

"Blame him!"

"YOU CHANGE HIM BACK RIGHT THIS INSTANT ED!" Winry commanded, chasing her new boyfriend with the pink wrench of DOOM.

"HHHHAAAAAAAA!" Ed screamed, trying to escape.

"He means AAAAAAAAHHHH!" Al corrected.

**ED/ENVY**

4

**ED/WINRY**

12


	8. Meet Chaos

Phoenix-What's a better Christmas gift than a continuation of one of the funniest stories on 8-Meet Chaos

A day after or so living in the shack, the gang was nearly close enough to kill each other. Ed was surely about to kill Envy for throwing milk balloons at him. Winry was going to kill Ed for turning his brother into miscellaneous objects. Roy was going to kill Scar if he said the name "Ishbala" one more time. Armstrong was going to kill Hughes if he said the word "family" again. Riza just wanted to kill everyone…

**BANG BANG!**

O.O

"SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!" She screamed, hitting Ed with the back of her shotgun. When she saw Roy getting ready to snap at Scar, she fired at him, missing his fingers by only a centimeter. "PUT THOSE FINGERS DOWN! THIS ISN'T A JAZZ CLUB!"

"Is she always a…" Envy started but never finished.

"WHAT WAS THAT, PUNK?"

"Nothing!"

"That's what I thought!"

At the Headquarters

King Bradley (COUGHPRIDECOUGH) walked into the chaos-crawling headquarters only to see the place being trashed. He stood at the door wearing his usual smile until all of the thieves and helpless commanders looked at him.

They all waited for a response…

…

"Carry on," he said, turning around as the chaos continued.

With Gluttony and Lust

"I smell something," Gluttony said, alarming his pal with his strong sense.

"What it is Gluttony-boy?" Lust asked, holding her friend on a leash. "Is it the FullMetal runt?"

"No," he replied, "something worse…"

"Like?"

"Timmy's stuck in a well and there's Pina Colodas at Table 9 at the Bingo Hall!"

Gluttony took off, lifting Lust off her sweet as she was dragged down the street, hitting random people and poles.

"BAD BOY! BAD BOY!"

At a random place

A dark figure stood at the corner of the street, sensing something familiar to him; something that anyone could familiarize.

Chaos…

"And Chaos is my name-o!" he said, taking a mallet and hitting me.

The boy called Chaos smiled in victory as he took the Mighty Keyboard of the Phoenix and laughed.

"Ow!" I moaned.

"EEK!" Chaos screamed, bashing me over the head with the keyboard. "I better get out of here before things get out of hand…"

He looked over his shoulder and saw the shack our very little friends stayed at. He smiled as he realized that the source of havoc was coming from within it…

With the gang

"50 JUMPING JACKS! NOW!" Riza screamed at Ed.

Be obedient, Ed got up and began jumping until Riza took her shotgun and whacked the poor blonde's leg off, making him fall to the ground, landing on his side.

"OW!"

"ANYONE ELSE WANT SOME? HUH?" she asked.

"Oh shiz…" Envy groaned.

"WHAT? ARE YOU WATCHING YOUR CENSORSHIP? YOU…"

**BEEP BEEP! **

Everyone ran as a car rammed into the shack, hitting Riza. A door opened and out popped a boy that looked like Envy but had a bush-like hairdo (like an afro)

"OMG! It's my long long sinning boyfriend!" Envy screamed.

"ENVY!"

"CHAOS!"

They hugged each other as everyone else looked in confusion…

Chaos, the eighth sin…


	9. Then and Now

Chapter 9-Then and Now

After Riza was rushed to a bed unconscious, everyone question the homunculus known as Chaos.

"How come I haven't met you?" Edward asked.

"I've been here on the island for years. I can't really remember, but I think I was dating Envy back then and one day, I woke up here…I must've been skydiving when I was drunk again…"

"We're on an island?" Roy questioned.

"Duh," Chaos replied. "The city distracts you from thinking that you're on one. Hell, three fourths of the people that live here don't even know."

"So," the sweaty Envy started, "what have you been doing since I've ditched…I mean, since you've been skydiving?"

"I've been attacking people for cheese, driving cars through houses, and looking for a way to return to you, Envy-poo! So how are you and your posse doing?"

"Well, Lust…"

"Hoe…" Chaos whispered.

"She's been doing well, Gluttony's been eating everything again, even your poodle…"

"THAT FAT PIG, I'LL KILL HIM!"

"Yeah…Sloth is in the sewer somewhere. She was playing near a street vent thing until I threw a rock at her. She morphed and well…anyways, Greed's dead, Wrath is looking for Sloth, and Pride is running the military, rich as ever, and yet, no home."

"Pride's what?" the military officer's asked.

"Nothing!"

"Well, who are these people?" Chaos asked.

"Roy's the flame alchemist…"

"Ouch," Chaos said. "Don't worry Roy, they call me the Flaming Homo-culi. I know how it feels!"

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"Okay, flamer." Chaos sighed.

"The woman you hit was the trigger happy Riza, that guy with the glasses is Maes Hughes, the living Kodak moment…"

"Kodak?"

O.o;;

(Damn 1914)

"This big guy is Armstrong, the dumb blonde girl is Winry…"

"DUMB BLONDE?" Winry screamed.

"QUIET! There's a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the ocean…go sniff it," Chaos said.

"Really?" Winry asked, running outside.

(I DO NOT HATE BLONDES! PLEASE DO NOT BE OFFENDED! THROW SOMETHING AT ME IF MAD)

"The walking tin can is Alphonse and the shrimp is Edward."

"TIN CAN?" Alphonse screamed, balling up in a corner.

"SHRIMP? WHO ARE YOU CALLING SUCH A SHRIMP THAT THEY COULD HIDE IN A GROUP OF TODDLERS?"

"You, hun!" Chaos said, smiling.

"THAT'S IT! I'M TIRED OF YOU STUPID HOMUNCULI…"

Chaos his snapped his fingers and a tranquilizer hit Ed in his neck, knocking him out.

"Get him," Roy screamed. "IT'S A MARY SUE!"

"I am not!"

"Prove it!"

Just then, a skydiving Gluttony landed on Chaos, bringing him and the whole shack down. Lust followed after, only landing on the spikes of the shack's remains.

"Damn," she cursed. "Not again!"


	10. We Need To Go Home!

Chapter 10-We Need To Go Home!

"Ed, sweety," Winry called out. "What're you doing?"

"I'm writing a gigantic S.O.S sign with this stake," Ed growled. "What else?"

Looking around the beach, you could see Al frying leftover eggs on his hot metal, Envy trying to turn into a fish to escape their hell, Winry nagging her boyfriend, Riza firing at the life-guards that were hitting on Roy, Armstrong losing his patience with the eggs, Hughes bragging about his family's beach vacation, Scar bragging about how Ishabla created the sand and salt water, Lust slicing Gluttony open to see what his metabolism hasn't digested, Chaos's dead body roasting in the sun, and the author typing this fic for the people's entertainment.

"Why can't I turn into a fish?" Envy questioned himself. "Why has father created me with such a crappy ability!"

"Cuz your father s-diddly-ucks," a basketball with straw hair commented.

"Shut the hell up, Spalding!" Envy screamed, throwing the ball into the ocean.

"I'll be back!" it screamed. "I always come back!"

Just then, a shark jumped out of the water munched on the ball.

"What a way to lose your balls…" Envy said.

"C'mon Phoenix!" Ed yelled at the author. "It's only been ten chapters and we're facing hell! Please let us go!"

"Shut your trap or I'll turn you gay in a click of a thousand buttons," Phoenix snarled, typing away.

"Please do!" Envy implored. "I'm thirsty, if you know what I mean!"

(Envy turns to you and winks with a thumbs up)

"Hey look," Winry screamed, "a boat!"

Everyone stopped what they were doing and spotted a cruise ship. Every began to scream out to the ship, but they didn't signal back.

Armstrong picked up a pebble and threw it out far enough to reach. A new light of hope shined within their hearts. All until they heard a weird shattering noise.

"Blimey! Someone broke the window and hit the captain." A man yelled.

"And the co-captain!" another yelled.

"And everyone else that knew how the steer the boat! It was like a pinball effect!"

"Hey! Why're we yellin'?"

"ICE CUBE!" another man screamed.

Ed and the gang watched as the ship hit the little ice cube. It suddenly stopped, slowly sinking to the bottom. When it was out of sight, a mine was set off, causing hell to break loose in the water.

Out of nowhere, a black guy flopped onto the beach. He got up to reveal himself as someone out of their timeline.

"Dave Chapelle?" Phoenix questioned.

"Damn…I guess I hafta explain the time machine and my underwater dome I hid in, lying about going to Africa, huh?"

"Yes," Phoenix replied.

"Well…" Dave said, lowering his head. Suddenly, he pulled out a bat and hit Phoenix upside the head. "I'M RICH, BITCH!"

Dave got away, doing his annoying laughter. Phoenix recovered and mumbled, "I feel sooo useless right about now."

"Cuz you are, you jackass!" Ed screamed.

"You know," the author sighed, getting a rope and some stakes, "I was gonna help you guys, but since you wanna make such comebacks, I might as well not."

"Thanks a lot, Ed!" Envy growled.

"Shut it, queer…"

"You shut it, you crack-baby-breeding hole-puncher!"

"EXCUSE ME?"

"Hey, cool it!" Phoenix yelled. "Now as I was saying, instead, I'm making you guys a raft. Have fun trying to push your way back home. Oh, and as a consolation, Ed can swim you guys back."

Phoenix place a hang noose around Ed's neck as the guys began to climb onto raft, making fun of Ed.

"If his arms are long enough to paddle you guys back…"

"What?" Ed asked, teeth growing sharp.

"You heard me, shorty! From now to night, you guys'll still be at shore!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT…THAT…Dammit I ran out of puns. Well, you get the gist of it right?"

"Yeah."

"Good, now COME HERE, YOU ASSHOLE!"

Phoenix jumped into the water and began to swim as fast as he could. Ed didn't dare hesitate to pull his buddies in the water to swim after Phoenix.

"I know my hair is gonna be messed up and I'm gonna be ashy be the time I'm done," the author panted.


	11. Home Sweet Home!

Chapter 11-Home Sweet Home…

_Huff huff…_

_Wheeze wheeze_

_**I'M GONNA KILL YOU PHOENIX!**_

The author, ashy, tired, and sweaty was now outrunning his midget predator, who was still dragging his friends.

"He's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill me!"

"YOU BETTER BE PRAYING THAT I DON'T CATCH YOU!"

Phoenix ran everywhere. From non-hippy beauty salons, to nude beaches (Envy got off from there). He ran into alleyways, sewer ways, 1914 version of Subways, you name it! He ran for about an hour or so until he thought of something.

"Wait a friggin' minute," he said, "I can fly!"

He loosened his wings and took flight. He laughed at his foe, escaping into the horizon. He was so close to getting away until a gunshot sounded. He fell straight to the grounded, surely dying…or so his attacker thought.

"Thanks, Riza," Ed said with a smile, tossing the gun back to its owner.

"Well, you know I love to hunt bird," Riza said.

**Advertisement**

_Read the fic about Riza and Roy hunting in the wild! Such laughter, such tears of joy…for Hawkeye at least._

**Story**

"Hey!" Winry exclaimed. "We're in Central again!"

"Oh my…" Roy began, but looked at Scar glaring at him. "We're home."

"YES!" Lust screamed, kissing the ground. "Home sweet…ew, I think I kissed wet ceme—ummpphh."

Lust just had her lips cemented. FMA fangirls that hate Lust ('Slut if you mix it around') are probably rejoicing.

"I'm surprised that Gluttony and Armstrong didn't sink us!" Maes's big mouth said. "It'd unfortunate that I didn't get that much time in this fic…"

BANG!

X.X

Roy turned his head and shrieked when he saw Maes's dead body. Riza said that she didn't do it.

"WHY PHOENIXIA! I KNOW YOU DID IT! WHY?" He cried.

"Well, bro," Alphonse said, "we're home again! Aren't you happy?"

Just then, Ed fell to the ground from offbeat exhaustion.

_The following week later_

"You missed a spot, Ed!" Roy screamed at Ed, who was cleaning the HQ. "You know, after such a vacation, I expected to be happy. Now I'm pissed, do you know why?"

"Why, Mustang?" Ed groaned, pulling on his long leash that was attached to Roy's seat.

"Because you're not single and I am, Riza was hit by a car, we bunked with a baddy, and didn't catch anyone! Not even Phoenix!"

"Wait, Lust and Gluttony were with us…what happened?"

"They got away when we weren't looking."

"But…"

"Work, DAMN YOU!"

KWA-TISH!

"ACK! WHEN THE HELL DID YOU GET A WHIP!"

"Just recently, thanks to Riza!"

546

Phoenix: Yes…this is the sad excuse for an ending for this funny fic!


End file.
